coming to terms with...

not being a teacher...

it is becoming clearer

only three days in and i am getting left right and centre with my failures:

a parent has written in complaining about homework, or the lack of it

i got talked down to by a colleague because i couldn't remember some simple things

the entire staff were confronted with real paper sorting task, and i had to chase this up

and the only thing i vaguely looked forward to was group work

and i left the school after two hours with half-prepared ideas

it's not good

in fact

it is pants...

i am daily confronted with my lack of skills...

inability to find things

to remember where things are

and certain organisational blindness...

i have managed to survive

no

enjoy and do well

in schools

for up to 6 months at a time

for a few reasons:

concentrating on the kids engagement

making boring work interesting through our engagement

drawing attention to the skills and contributions of students

and calibrating myself for months in order to be as present as possible

the balance was fine

when doing supply

but with all the admin i have to do

and all the invisible memory games

i am finding it ludicrously difficult

it is like a whole set of skills i don't have

need to be of a reasonably high standard...

and if i wanted to be a superlative maths teacher

i suppose i would put in the effort to be one

but i am not the age of sean

or at the beginning of a career like steve

and so

i lack the resolve to push through the work needed...

i have suggested to the team

alternative ways for us to share the workload

to be of service to one another

for our skills to compliment one another

as opposed to

forcing us to have the same skill set...

but it has not taken

probably because i have not been able to produce the goods i am accustomed to...

i had to work so hard at trying to enthuse the year 11's

and their work output was...

pretty poor

compared to what they are capable of...

/me sighs deeply

this troubles me deeply

and i hope this experience does not sully my enjoyment of working with kids

to the extent that i am not able to be a classroom coordinator

even if there is confluence of hds staff...

still

i had a nice resonance from steve

a teachers assistant in the english department

and jenny who is the pa to the head

looks like

i live to engage the adults

oh

had a run in with a truculent year 10 i think it was...

he was in my classroom to do study support

he refused to budge from my seat

i told him to leave the class

and then he ends up being all annoyed

giving yet another indication to darren that i can't sort out simple relationships...

anyhoo

i ended up talking with him for about 7 mins

at first he was not hearing any of it

and after a while

by pointing out how he wasn't listening to anything outside his own reality

how he kept talking about the past

about right and wrong

and soon enough

we started to get on the same wavelength

talking about misunderstandings

about dealing with people with respect

about being present to the people who are in fact in front of us

and he couldnt help but eventually break into a smile

finally

my persistence wrt respect

paid off

and i look forward to seeing him again...

it doesn't change much

since he isn't in any of my classes

and there is probably more bad talk about me than good

is it enough to inspire me...?

nope

it's more like a gasp of air

before another wave hits you...

looks like i am still in the process of being dumped

still

i will continue to work at producing some kind of starter

stick to a test day

work day

and group work day

and see if it settles

and remember to emphasise

praise

laughter

and celebration...