woke me up really early the other day
and i spent most of the night
tossing and turning
while thinking about school
things are ok
i suppose
but i don't feel happy about the quality of my teaching
and the quality of learning in my classes...
i need to talk to darren about my situation
for us to consider what the best step forwards is
it has taken me the best part of a year
to get to grips with the technical side of working at hds
and now that i know where stuff is
i can just about find resources
the kids are getting used to me being there
though i feel that i am not able to play the game i would like to
instead
my playing is rather limited in scope
i am not sure what service i actually provide the school
how helpful i am to the kids
how i actually fit into the maths team
and how i am furthering my own career
i feel that the skills i have developed over 10 years
amount to nothing
i have suggested to colleagues that we split groups wrt attitude
but no-one is going with that
i like proposed at the beginning of the year
that we should develop a more flexible team-teaching arrangement
rather than resorting to the suped-up filing system that is kalaidos
but no-one has followed up on this
i had a kid call me legend today
and i shook my head and said
not in this school
i know the difference
when i was in dunfermline
i think after only two weeks
i had kids stop in their tracks and call me a legend
and they meant it
because i had done something with them in a class
that was show-stopping
the young men had responded so positively
that my reputation had begun to spread around the school
i know what the positive cycle is like
and all i have experienced at hds
is the negative one
i remember
during the first two days there
how every class prevented me from addressing them in my style
how each class had objected in some way or other
with only one class responding positively
to whom i am indebted
i thought i could have learned from the introduction of the discipline policy
but i haven't
since i already knew that it is not a policy that works
but how it is implemented in the classes...
and there is a whole set of skills that i have not practiced
since i have relied almost exclusively
on working with the goodwill of the students in my charge
i have received several letters of complaints from parents
several kids have managed to swap teachers
and i don't have the respect of my colleagues
i shall speak to darren this weekend
while digging a hole in his back yard
to see what he would suggest
i don't have much of a future
though sofia has graciously invited me to stay in london
to try out the brixton thing
but i am not sure how my skill set will fit in
since i am not used to the adult world of work...
if i finish this summer
i shall finish with no more money than i started a year ago
so going to cape verdi is probably out
i started hds thinking i was pretty hot at the teaching thing
not only with kids
but with an idea on how to transform education
i may be leaving feeling like i am one of the worst teachers
not only with the kids
but underconfident wrt working with adults...
still
if it doesn't kill you
it makes you stronger
is that right?
